Reaching out.

Today was difficult. One of the most heartbreaking days I have had to endure in a long time... this speaks volumes because only 6 days ago, I saw a dead father with his two children... which also shattered my heart.

James and I got into a huge fight. I hate being wrongly accused. It's gotten to the point where I just want to scream "YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE NOW FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!" but he wants to believe what he wants to believe, even though i keep screaming on the inside that i simply need help. It's a lot for me to admit to someone, especially someone whom I love dearly, that I am struggling inside. I feel like there are demons in my head telling me that I am worthless... that i'm not good enough for much more than my presence. I feel like he wants me to be better and I want to badly to give him better than this, I'm just stuck inside. I feel bad for asking him to wait this out with me...he hates it. I know i'll be better, but these feelings of worthlessness haunt me. He makes me feel amazing, he calls me 'beautiful'....his princess. He is my prince...I love him more than anything and I know we will be together forever. But I can't fully give myself to someone else while I am struggling so hard inside to see my worth.,..to know who I am and where I am going.


I'll figure this out. But how fair is it for me to ask him to wait and keep hurting?

Where Am I???

Honestly. Where am I?
For the past year I have watched myself slowly slip away into nothing. Everyone asks me, "what the hell is going on?" and I have no answer. No one would understand even if I explained...

I feel like I have no idea who I am. I'm scared. I tell James all the time that I don't know who I am because he wonders what is going on... he thinks the worse. I guess I can't blame him... I can't articulate to him how I feel so he thinks there is someone else in my life. I keep saying in my head, if only he knew. If only he knew how I felt. I can't even look him in the eyes anymore because I want to collapse and break down and get out all of this confusion about where my life is going... but I can't because I can't even get my mouth to open. I love him. God, i love him. He is my best friend and I can't stand feeling like i'm on the outside looking in wondering why I can't just tell him all this. My body and mind is holding me back... but I love him. He is amazing, he truly is. I've given up on myself and him... not because I want to but because inside myself, i am screaming for help. I'm sad all the time, and I should be happy.

I pray everyday that I will get out of this hole I am in and feel like I am worth something.