I wrecked my knee.

As the title of this blog states, I wrecked my knee yesterday. Honest to God, this was a homework related accident. I was sitting on my livingroom floor doing my homework because that happened to be where my computer (the big one which I cannot move because its power cord is messed and it also does not have a battery because a certain someone spilled OJ on it...and my netbook is far too difficult to perform any kind of work-related tasks on) was sitting. Aside from the fact that after 3 hours of homework my back felt like jello, I went to stand to go to the washroom and my left knee had completely given out. Yay!

So, being that it is a Sunday and nothing was open in the evening, I had to drive to Shoppers in Oromocto to get a knee brace because I thought I was going to have to amputate my leg without one.

Aside from the fact that it was excruciatingly painful, I was more fearful that I would go back to where I was in my first year of university. I almost completely lost the ability to walk because I have some sort of messed up syndrome called "patellofemoral pain syndrome", which is essentially the wearing and fraying of the cartilege behind my kneecap.

Moral: Either a) don't do homework or b) don't stand after extended periods of homeworking.

Brightside: it feels a little bit better today. I am no longer seriously considering outfitting my apartment with a series of bars, rails, and aides.

Laura: 1 Left Knee: .5

May 7th

Yesterday I remembered it is my ex's dogs birthday.


It's a dog.


Yep.


I don't even know if she's still alive.


Wherever you are, Happy 14th Birthday Annie.

Thursdays.

Even though I finished my internship last week, I've still be at Leo Hayes almost everyday. My grade 10's are filming a documentary and I really don't see how Derek can do it by himself. You know, when I started I really didn't like it. The kids were like monkeys. Like anything, you get used to things after a while...and I miss that little part of chaos once it's gone.

Why is it that we love and hate chaos all at once? I find myself stressed and overworked and vow that the minute I get some free time, I will lay back and do absolutely nothing. When I do get the free time, this relaxation lasts for about 6 minutes on average before I find myself trying to stress myself out with something. I need to be doing something. This is a huge downfall... I am a workaholic. I feel worthless when I am not serving a purpose. I feel guilty when I relax, but resentful when I don't relax. How does one find a happy medium?

If there is one thing i've learned about this past year, it is to make time for those who care about you first and foremost. Work does not love you back. Overworking does not make you more lovable. Taking that time to sit and have a conversation with a friend or a partner is crucial. If you lose the ability to talk, you won't find it for a long time. I stopped talking last year and when I needed the help, the words never came.

Something i'd like to do is learn to relax. I'd like to be able to go out and do something without feeling anxious or guilty...that I should be doing something else. I'm young and I am a victim of my own mind. I cage myself because I don't want to disappoint other people.

In all fairness, the guilt often comes from the fact that people act snide towards me at work when I ask for a little time off. Last year when I was going through a ridiculously difficult break-up, they didn't want to allow me the time off to get my life together. Even though I had been a valued employee for 3 years and had never taken much vacation, my managers were ticked.

Where was this going? No idea.

Oh! Yes. Okay.

Moral: stop being such a work-a-holic. Take the time to relax and zone out once in a while.


I'm in class. Foccccuuuuuusssssss.

Wow.

I just read everything I wrote...

wow.

I was in a really bad place.

Since discovering that I have chosen the right path career-wise, I feel 90% better. Everything else needs to stay as a small memory, because it's painful.

This has been the roughest year of my life. Too much change, too much illness, and too much pain.

I just can't dwell on it.

For the purpose of not spiralling myself into a sad hole, I will talk about what is positive.

I have found a few strengths in my life. I am resilient. I work hard. I multitask.

I am applying for a few teaching positions here in Fredericton. Because this city has become so small since last year, I have been working with a company in Scotland and may be saying farewell to Fredericton all together. Maybe it's time to cut this last thread and just leave well enough alone.

I can't do this right now. Almost a year later, and I still can't do it. Sorry.