You and Me.

Okay.

So the past few days I have had to ignore him because I am super afraid that all these feelings I have are going to completely consume me. I push him away because my mind can't bear to draw someone in closer and then push them away again.


The weird thing is, I have a lot of people in my life and i always say i wish them nothing but happiness in their lives. I have said this numerous times about exes and other people I care about, but honestly couldnt care less either way. With him, there is something different. I genuinely and whole heartedly want him to be happy. It feels amazing and I can barely describe accurately how I feel, even re-reading this I dont believe ive gotten the point across. I just...ugh. Genuinely care so much about him that I want nothing, absolutely nothing more than his happiness.... I just...none of the words come out right. Whether it is with me or not, for whatever reason, I just genuinely want to see him happy. His smile absolutely melts me. He is more gorgeous than he knows... just absolutely fucking gorgeous.

I wish things were easier, and I know they will be...someday. If this is meant to be and if we're soulmates/kindred spirits, I know this will be.

I can't reach inside and I can't reach out. I need to know where and when this ends. I let us get too far into this hole that now we are almost nothing... I pushed you and you pushed me.

Maybe this is a sign. I'm angry that you've abandoned me and maybe you not being there for me in the right way is a sign that you love me at my best, but not at my worst...

I'm going to the doctor soon. I can't let this slip away because of something that could have been fixed had I had the gall to fucking ask for help.


I sat on the patio today and lost myself completely. He came home and found me on the patio and I wanted to tell him I didn't remember sitting there for 3 hours but then he'd think I was completely nuts.

Which is worse?

Since no one else will, it will be okay Laura.

Easy.

I know somehow this has to be worth it...that this is some sort of test that I was made to overcome. That we were made to overcome...

You walk away so easily sometimes and I am left to wonder whether it is because I'm easy to walk away from or whether you're just so frustrated with how this has gone on that you just need to leave. You have put up with a lot and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it...

I just know how hard this is/has been and i stop and wonder whether or we deserve the arguments and fights, and whether or not they would end if I could just pretend that I'm okay. I know it's so easy to fix all this but I don't want to put a band-aid over it... I want to be okay. I don't want to pretend I'm okay...

You see, I'm used to things unanticipated. We've been together for over four years now...and it scares me to think that one second everything is fine, but when I need you and when i'm reaching out for you, you turn on me. I'm used to having the whole package and then being completely terrified when what I signed up for isn't what I get...i don't want us to be that way. I want to believe this isn't how you are, and it's foolish of me to think this way because we have been together for years... but I feel like you've turned your back on me.

God i'm scared but for some reason, i feel this is making me stronger. There is a reason I'm doing this to myself and a reason that this is happening to me...and I believe it can only get better. That said, I cannot think of one logical reason why you have been put through this too. Fuck. That's what rips me apart.

I feel like i need to disappear from the world for a while because I just can't stand to put you through this any longer... I just mean in this situation right now, maybe i just need a fresh outlook to figure out how everything is going to be. But on the other hand, maybe I dont. Maybe I need to take this head-on and just tell you how depressed I am. I don't trust that you will take me seriously because for the past few months, you assume there is someone else. I must suffer for every other girl who has cheated on you... yet i'm the only one who has been faithful and loved you with all I had...


I can't ask him to understand how difficult this moment in my life is for me, and in comparison to how relatively easy I have had it in other areas, but I truly hope he can at least appreciate where I am coming from and how hard it has been to realize I have not been who I truly am. I keep thinking...god if he only knew how much this is not me. Why can I write this here but not crawl into bed and spill this to him? When it happens, he will be blown off his feet. But when will it fucking happen? Get off your ass. Figure this shit out. Grow the fuck up Laura...

I just wanted that perfect fairytale and we're letting it slip away...


I just told you I love you... and you answered with "I don't believe you"


Well, I love you James.

Looking forward and Up.

Everything I think about these days screams to me to just say what I need to say. Get it off my chest. Finally quit carrying around this huge boulder on my shoulders. To tell you how sick I am inside... but i fear you won't believe me. I guess I'm just afraid that he'll think i'm lying, so I almost just think..."whats the use?" I DO care to get my point across, but I am just so exhausted from defending myself and trying to prove myself to him. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I wonder if he could help me anyways...he's too blinded by thinking/assuming that I am cheating on him. This scares me because who else will help if he won't?

I love you. You're caring, beautiful, amazing. You have been my best friend for all these years and losing you is my biggest fear. You mean so much to me that it's hard not to fall for you over and over and over. I wish I could tell you this in person. I wish I could even put a pen to paper and leave this note on your pillow tonight James...


I wish i loved myself. If i loved myself right now, this wouldn't be happening. The worst feeling is that my own best friend and boyfriend doesn't believe me. You don't trust me. You have been my biggest strength and my best listener, but for some reason these past few months...you don't HEAR me. The feeling of helplessness is so strong that i find myself searching for air... which you think are sighs of boredom.

My God. I adore you. I completely adore you. I just wish that you would step outside yourself for one minute and see that I am truly aching inside.

And good luck, on finding your way.

I never thought i'd make it through this winter but I can honestly say i'll probably look back on it as one of the worst few months of my life. I wanted it to be better, especially being in my 4th and final year of my undergraduate degree. I was on the Dean's list last semester. Yesterday, I was accepted into UNB's BEd program. Go me. This really should be a happy time because honestly, concrete evidence that i've worked so hard for this since marks started mattering in grade 11 couldnt have come at a better time. In a time in my life when i'm constantly asking myself "what the hell am I doing? What is this all for? What is this worth?" To finally have a little evidence of progress in my life; an affirmation that all of this really hasn't been for nothing. At least one aspect in my life has been affirmed. Maybe this is a start? Maybe this is what James and I need?

So as a side note, things on the homefront have become ridiculously hard. Everytime I walk into my apartment I get a knot in my stomach because I'm never sure what I'm going to come home to. Every other day, I find a note or a letter declaring something insanely mean aimed at hurting my feelings or getting my attention. Not only this, but i've now been told that he has no will to live, which makes this that much more complicated. Why can't this be mature? Why can't two individuals sit down and say "this needs to stop...we need to figure this out". Why can't there be a mutual respect that each of us is deserving of respect, love, and happiness? I want him to be happy and enjoy his life because I care about him and love him with all that I am. We aren't working right now and i so desperately want us to...I don't want to be sick anymore. I stick my nose in my schoolwork and obsess over it because it's the only thing i am good at right now... it's the only thing that gives me value. One minute he agrees that we need to work on things and keeps his maturity, and in the next instance he is crying and beating his head off of some piece of furniture. I don't like to see his heart broken, nor my own. This is retardedly hard. Happiness has faltered; dwindled...because of this illness that is riddling my mind and taking over my life. I can't make him happy and he knows this.... I don't feel good enough. His family is amazing and I love them as though they are my own. I'm not saying he should settle, but what I am saying is I want him to know in his heart that I am enough, and to not remind me on a daily basis of my shortfalls. I want him to believe me and trust me that i am sick right now. That i am NOT unfaithful, but that I am sick. That i need help. This is ME right now...i hate it. But I can only be me, i really don't know how to be anyone else anymore...

I suspect he never thought, when we started dating and i was 17, that i would ever change. I feel like i'm letting him down constantly... and i let this weigh on me and now i'm depressed and thinking things that i shouldnt.


Perhaps i deserve heartache. To him, i am untrustworthy. In reality, I am sick...and James, I need your help. I love you. You are everything; always have been and always will be....


I wonder if anyone reads this? Or am I still alone in my thoughts...

Reaching out.

Today was difficult. One of the most heartbreaking days I have had to endure in a long time... this speaks volumes because only 6 days ago, I saw a dead father with his two children... which also shattered my heart.

James and I got into a huge fight. I hate being wrongly accused. It's gotten to the point where I just want to scream "YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE NOW FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!" but he wants to believe what he wants to believe, even though i keep screaming on the inside that i simply need help. It's a lot for me to admit to someone, especially someone whom I love dearly, that I am struggling inside. I feel like there are demons in my head telling me that I am worthless... that i'm not good enough for much more than my presence. I feel like he wants me to be better and I want to badly to give him better than this, I'm just stuck inside. I feel bad for asking him to wait this out with me...he hates it. I know i'll be better, but these feelings of worthlessness haunt me. He makes me feel amazing, he calls me 'beautiful'....his princess. He is my prince...I love him more than anything and I know we will be together forever. But I can't fully give myself to someone else while I am struggling so hard inside to see my worth.,..to know who I am and where I am going.


I'll figure this out. But how fair is it for me to ask him to wait and keep hurting?

Where Am I???

Honestly. Where am I?
For the past year I have watched myself slowly slip away into nothing. Everyone asks me, "what the hell is going on?" and I have no answer. No one would understand even if I explained...

I feel like I have no idea who I am. I'm scared. I tell James all the time that I don't know who I am because he wonders what is going on... he thinks the worse. I guess I can't blame him... I can't articulate to him how I feel so he thinks there is someone else in my life. I keep saying in my head, if only he knew. If only he knew how I felt. I can't even look him in the eyes anymore because I want to collapse and break down and get out all of this confusion about where my life is going... but I can't because I can't even get my mouth to open. I love him. God, i love him. He is my best friend and I can't stand feeling like i'm on the outside looking in wondering why I can't just tell him all this. My body and mind is holding me back... but I love him. He is amazing, he truly is. I've given up on myself and him... not because I want to but because inside myself, i am screaming for help. I'm sad all the time, and I should be happy.

I pray everyday that I will get out of this hole I am in and feel like I am worth something.