You and Me.

Okay.

So the past few days I have had to ignore him because I am super afraid that all these feelings I have are going to completely consume me. I push him away because my mind can't bear to draw someone in closer and then push them away again.


The weird thing is, I have a lot of people in my life and i always say i wish them nothing but happiness in their lives. I have said this numerous times about exes and other people I care about, but honestly couldnt care less either way. With him, there is something different. I genuinely and whole heartedly want him to be happy. It feels amazing and I can barely describe accurately how I feel, even re-reading this I dont believe ive gotten the point across. I just...ugh. Genuinely care so much about him that I want nothing, absolutely nothing more than his happiness.... I just...none of the words come out right. Whether it is with me or not, for whatever reason, I just genuinely want to see him happy. His smile absolutely melts me. He is more gorgeous than he knows... just absolutely fucking gorgeous.

I wish things were easier, and I know they will be...someday. If this is meant to be and if we're soulmates/kindred spirits, I know this will be.

I can't reach inside and I can't reach out. I need to know where and when this ends. I let us get too far into this hole that now we are almost nothing... I pushed you and you pushed me.

Maybe this is a sign. I'm angry that you've abandoned me and maybe you not being there for me in the right way is a sign that you love me at my best, but not at my worst...

I'm going to the doctor soon. I can't let this slip away because of something that could have been fixed had I had the gall to fucking ask for help.


I sat on the patio today and lost myself completely. He came home and found me on the patio and I wanted to tell him I didn't remember sitting there for 3 hours but then he'd think I was completely nuts.

Which is worse?

Since no one else will, it will be okay Laura.

Easy.

I know somehow this has to be worth it...that this is some sort of test that I was made to overcome. That we were made to overcome...

You walk away so easily sometimes and I am left to wonder whether it is because I'm easy to walk away from or whether you're just so frustrated with how this has gone on that you just need to leave. You have put up with a lot and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it...

I just know how hard this is/has been and i stop and wonder whether or we deserve the arguments and fights, and whether or not they would end if I could just pretend that I'm okay. I know it's so easy to fix all this but I don't want to put a band-aid over it... I want to be okay. I don't want to pretend I'm okay...

You see, I'm used to things unanticipated. We've been together for over four years now...and it scares me to think that one second everything is fine, but when I need you and when i'm reaching out for you, you turn on me. I'm used to having the whole package and then being completely terrified when what I signed up for isn't what I get...i don't want us to be that way. I want to believe this isn't how you are, and it's foolish of me to think this way because we have been together for years... but I feel like you've turned your back on me.

God i'm scared but for some reason, i feel this is making me stronger. There is a reason I'm doing this to myself and a reason that this is happening to me...and I believe it can only get better. That said, I cannot think of one logical reason why you have been put through this too. Fuck. That's what rips me apart.

I feel like i need to disappear from the world for a while because I just can't stand to put you through this any longer... I just mean in this situation right now, maybe i just need a fresh outlook to figure out how everything is going to be. But on the other hand, maybe I dont. Maybe I need to take this head-on and just tell you how depressed I am. I don't trust that you will take me seriously because for the past few months, you assume there is someone else. I must suffer for every other girl who has cheated on you... yet i'm the only one who has been faithful and loved you with all I had...


I can't ask him to understand how difficult this moment in my life is for me, and in comparison to how relatively easy I have had it in other areas, but I truly hope he can at least appreciate where I am coming from and how hard it has been to realize I have not been who I truly am. I keep thinking...god if he only knew how much this is not me. Why can I write this here but not crawl into bed and spill this to him? When it happens, he will be blown off his feet. But when will it fucking happen? Get off your ass. Figure this shit out. Grow the fuck up Laura...

I just wanted that perfect fairytale and we're letting it slip away...


I just told you I love you... and you answered with "I don't believe you"


Well, I love you James.