And good luck, on finding your way.

I never thought i'd make it through this winter but I can honestly say i'll probably look back on it as one of the worst few months of my life. I wanted it to be better, especially being in my 4th and final year of my undergraduate degree. I was on the Dean's list last semester. Yesterday, I was accepted into UNB's BEd program. Go me. This really should be a happy time because honestly, concrete evidence that i've worked so hard for this since marks started mattering in grade 11 couldnt have come at a better time. In a time in my life when i'm constantly asking myself "what the hell am I doing? What is this all for? What is this worth?" To finally have a little evidence of progress in my life; an affirmation that all of this really hasn't been for nothing. At least one aspect in my life has been affirmed. Maybe this is a start? Maybe this is what James and I need?

So as a side note, things on the homefront have become ridiculously hard. Everytime I walk into my apartment I get a knot in my stomach because I'm never sure what I'm going to come home to. Every other day, I find a note or a letter declaring something insanely mean aimed at hurting my feelings or getting my attention. Not only this, but i've now been told that he has no will to live, which makes this that much more complicated. Why can't this be mature? Why can't two individuals sit down and say "this needs to stop...we need to figure this out". Why can't there be a mutual respect that each of us is deserving of respect, love, and happiness? I want him to be happy and enjoy his life because I care about him and love him with all that I am. We aren't working right now and i so desperately want us to...I don't want to be sick anymore. I stick my nose in my schoolwork and obsess over it because it's the only thing i am good at right now... it's the only thing that gives me value. One minute he agrees that we need to work on things and keeps his maturity, and in the next instance he is crying and beating his head off of some piece of furniture. I don't like to see his heart broken, nor my own. This is retardedly hard. Happiness has faltered; dwindled...because of this illness that is riddling my mind and taking over my life. I can't make him happy and he knows this.... I don't feel good enough. His family is amazing and I love them as though they are my own. I'm not saying he should settle, but what I am saying is I want him to know in his heart that I am enough, and to not remind me on a daily basis of my shortfalls. I want him to believe me and trust me that i am sick right now. That i am NOT unfaithful, but that I am sick. That i need help. This is ME right now...i hate it. But I can only be me, i really don't know how to be anyone else anymore...

I suspect he never thought, when we started dating and i was 17, that i would ever change. I feel like i'm letting him down constantly... and i let this weigh on me and now i'm depressed and thinking things that i shouldnt.


Perhaps i deserve heartache. To him, i am untrustworthy. In reality, I am sick...and James, I need your help. I love you. You are everything; always have been and always will be....


I wonder if anyone reads this? Or am I still alone in my thoughts...