Everything I think about these days screams to me to just say what I need to say. Get it off my chest. Finally quit carrying around this huge boulder on my shoulders. To tell you how sick I am inside... but i fear you won't believe me. I guess I'm just afraid that he'll think i'm lying, so I almost just think..."whats the use?" I DO care to get my point across, but I am just so exhausted from defending myself and trying to prove myself to him. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I wonder if he could help me anyways...he's too blinded by thinking/assuming that I am cheating on him. This scares me because who else will help if he won't?
I love you. You're caring, beautiful, amazing. You have been my best friend for all these years and losing you is my biggest fear. You mean so much to me that it's hard not to fall for you over and over and over. I wish I could tell you this in person. I wish I could even put a pen to paper and leave this note on your pillow tonight James...
I wish i loved myself. If i loved myself right now, this wouldn't be happening. The worst feeling is that my own best friend and boyfriend doesn't believe me. You don't trust me. You have been my biggest strength and my best listener, but for some reason these past few months...you don't HEAR me. The feeling of helplessness is so strong that i find myself searching for air... which you think are sighs of boredom.
My God. I adore you. I completely adore you. I just wish that you would step outside yourself for one minute and see that I am truly aching inside.
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