You and Me.

Okay.

So the past few days I have had to ignore him because I am super afraid that all these feelings I have are going to completely consume me. I push him away because my mind can't bear to draw someone in closer and then push them away again.


The weird thing is, I have a lot of people in my life and i always say i wish them nothing but happiness in their lives. I have said this numerous times about exes and other people I care about, but honestly couldnt care less either way. With him, there is something different. I genuinely and whole heartedly want him to be happy. It feels amazing and I can barely describe accurately how I feel, even re-reading this I dont believe ive gotten the point across. I just...ugh. Genuinely care so much about him that I want nothing, absolutely nothing more than his happiness.... I just...none of the words come out right. Whether it is with me or not, for whatever reason, I just genuinely want to see him happy. His smile absolutely melts me. He is more gorgeous than he knows... just absolutely fucking gorgeous.

I wish things were easier, and I know they will be...someday. If this is meant to be and if we're soulmates/kindred spirits, I know this will be.

I can't reach inside and I can't reach out. I need to know where and when this ends. I let us get too far into this hole that now we are almost nothing... I pushed you and you pushed me.

Maybe this is a sign. I'm angry that you've abandoned me and maybe you not being there for me in the right way is a sign that you love me at my best, but not at my worst...

I'm going to the doctor soon. I can't let this slip away because of something that could have been fixed had I had the gall to fucking ask for help.


I sat on the patio today and lost myself completely. He came home and found me on the patio and I wanted to tell him I didn't remember sitting there for 3 hours but then he'd think I was completely nuts.

Which is worse?

Since no one else will, it will be okay Laura.