Thursdays.

Even though I finished my internship last week, I've still be at Leo Hayes almost everyday. My grade 10's are filming a documentary and I really don't see how Derek can do it by himself. You know, when I started I really didn't like it. The kids were like monkeys. Like anything, you get used to things after a while...and I miss that little part of chaos once it's gone.

Why is it that we love and hate chaos all at once? I find myself stressed and overworked and vow that the minute I get some free time, I will lay back and do absolutely nothing. When I do get the free time, this relaxation lasts for about 6 minutes on average before I find myself trying to stress myself out with something. I need to be doing something. This is a huge downfall... I am a workaholic. I feel worthless when I am not serving a purpose. I feel guilty when I relax, but resentful when I don't relax. How does one find a happy medium?

If there is one thing i've learned about this past year, it is to make time for those who care about you first and foremost. Work does not love you back. Overworking does not make you more lovable. Taking that time to sit and have a conversation with a friend or a partner is crucial. If you lose the ability to talk, you won't find it for a long time. I stopped talking last year and when I needed the help, the words never came.

Something i'd like to do is learn to relax. I'd like to be able to go out and do something without feeling anxious or guilty...that I should be doing something else. I'm young and I am a victim of my own mind. I cage myself because I don't want to disappoint other people.

In all fairness, the guilt often comes from the fact that people act snide towards me at work when I ask for a little time off. Last year when I was going through a ridiculously difficult break-up, they didn't want to allow me the time off to get my life together. Even though I had been a valued employee for 3 years and had never taken much vacation, my managers were ticked.

Where was this going? No idea.

Oh! Yes. Okay.

Moral: stop being such a work-a-holic. Take the time to relax and zone out once in a while.


I'm in class. Foccccuuuuuusssssss.